Disagreement is not the same thing as hate

The fallout from the Proposition 8 vote in California has been very surprising to me. I’ve considered carefully our current situation. Something about it was really bothering me, and it took me a while to be able to verbalize it, but I’m getting there.

And here’s what I discover. The Anti-Traditional-Marriage movement seems to be a big lie or a set of lies, flawed and dishonest at its core. Here’s why I conclude that. The movement is framing fallout complaints like this: “If you’re against gay marriage, you’re for hate.” “It’s time to preach love, not hate.” Etc. Which suggests that the only 2 possible positions are pro gay marriage or hate. And therein is the great lie of the movement.

It seems terribly disingenuous, even betraying, that lie. It is. It is a betrayal. It’s a betrayal of the loyalty and love that families show to their gay family members, that straight friends show to gay friends, even when they disagree profoundly with the lifestyle choice of those they love.

To disagree, even to disagree profoundly, is not hate. It’s not. And to frame the situation only in terms of “agreement or hate” is dishonest.

My brother-in-law is gay. I love my brother-in-law. When he comes in town every few weeks, he stays at our house with his sons whom he is visiting in town. My family really looks forward to those weekends. I really look forward to him coming. I am disappointed for his lifestyle choice. I worry about the inevitable pain that this choice will ultimately bring him, and I stand ready to help him through that in whatever way I can. My brother-in-law has taken a partner. I like his partner. He’s a really kind, neat fellow. I’ll admit that part of me wants to reject him, but I can’t. First, I’m under commandment to love. Second, I like him. I really do. It’s not hard to love them. They are respectful of our beliefs, understanding them because they grew up with them. They don’t try to force their choices on me, and we don’t force ours on them. There is respect. And there is love.

And there is a profound disagreement in philosophy. We know that. And we don’t try to change the other. Disagreement is not incompatible with love. Disagreement does not necessarily mean hate. And you who claim so put undue pressure on sincere, loving relationships.

And that idea of forcing. “Don’t try to force you beliefs on us!” goes the anti-traditional-marriage battle cry. What? It’s fairly clear to the honest observer that the anti-traditional-marriage crowd are those trying to force their beliefs on the rest of the country. The crowd that was all about love and tolerance and acceptance is now quite suddenly (but really not unexpectedly) all about criticism, intimidation, force, and, well, hate. It’s dishonest. It’s disingenuous. It’s deceitful. It’s betrayal.

Make no mistake. Do not confuse my love and tolerance with philosophical alignment. Philosophically, we are diametrically opposed. But I do not and will not hate for that. And you calling me a hate bigot for my philosophy is, itself, an expression of the hate that you oppose with your words but embrace with your actions.

How dare you.

Now, I’m going back into the other room to finish celebrating my brother-in-law’s birthday.